Noise in the wires
It's my birthday and i figured it's time to sort my thoughts and happenings, but turns out i've got fuck all for thoughts and nothing is ever happening. Stasis is what best describes my current state of things. I do kind of feel like recording the things that aren't "happening".


So here's the thing: I'm supposed to be at a midpoint of my life (or close enough to it) and I've achieved nothing, done nothing, tried nothing nor do i really give a fuck about it. Hell, I'm only writing this down because the general dissociation I feel from things that are expected of me and things that other people are doing. It all feels extremely surreal. It's a really strange feeling when you watch humans doing human stuff and fail to comprehend "whys". Aoi Bungaku/No longer human comes to mind.
I'm not even feeling depressed or anything, apathy has consumed everything.

This year has also delivered a killing blow to my social life (online one, i haven't had anything else for years). The remnants of my human interaction are pretty much gone. It has withered away and died overtime and I've done nothing to prevent it.
As much as I love some of the people i used to talk with it's kind of frustrating to send them messages and receive nothing in return so I've stopped bothering. Most didn't really notice, the one rare example that wakes up once in a while (less and less often) just causes me weird emotional instability because I don't know how to behave and feel aggravated. So like, whatever. No reason to force myself on people who don't care for it. Less awkward for erryone involved. There's a couple of people who sometimes call me to do stuff like games and such.
That's actually a pretty decent experience. It's not very fulfilling or personal, but it does alleviate boredom and i really enjoy listening to human voices. Nice human voices make me happy. there's also one specific case of my human interaction that should also be noted in a separate entry i guess. It's... well, a weird one. A bit of a mess. Can never get around sorting my thoughts about it

My interest towards my various old hobbies has been progressively decreasing over years, and this year wasn't exception. I feel like i've fried my dopamine receptors in my brain because because it's really hard to feel excited towards anything. I've overdosed on happiness and fun maybe.
I'm trying to recapture those old feelings of excitement, hype, emotional arousal but none of them last. Doesn't really help that my attention span is close to that of a butterfly. It's getting hard to focus on things.
Also, I really need some painkillers. My neck (and spine) has gotten all sorts off fucked and in the last half a year it's become progressively worse. Can't really spend a day without pains that turn into headaches. Hell, can't wake up without this shit. This is beyond annoying but you gotta pay for your lifestyle choices :\

In general I feel very old, ancient even. Dusty and rusty and screeching.
Very old and very tired of living.



Five more years.