I am somebody

I need to learn how to vocalize my thoughts again.
Or rather, put them to text, as i have no need for actual vocalization.

I've pretty much lost most of my ability to communicate. It's all been devoured by introspection.
And while sometimes i think it's for better as it prevents me from spreading my toxicity, it's also fairly crippling.

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Isolated, left behind

Things are pretty bad right now.

The more I live the more separated from reality i become.

And my family members are dying or worse.

Death is a hell of a piece of shit.

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untitled

Dear diary,

i should have never been born.

Thank you for listening.

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Stasis

It's my birthday and i figured it's time to sort my thoughts and happenings, but turns out i've got fuck all for thoughts and nothing is ever happening. Stasis is what best describes my current state of things. I do kind of feel like recording the things that aren't "happening".


So here's the thing: I'm supposed to be at a midpoint of my life (or close enough to it) and I've achieved nothing, done nothing, tried nothing nor do i really give a fuck about it. Hell, I'm only writing this down because the general dissociation I feel from things that are expected of me and things that other people are doing. It all feels extremely surreal. It's a really strange feeling when you watch humans doing human stuff and fail to comprehend "whys". Aoi Bungaku/No longer human comes to mind.
I'm not even feeling depressed or anything, apathy has consumed everything.

This year has also delivered a killing blow to my social life (online one, i haven't had anything else for years). The remnants of my human interaction are pretty much gone. It has withered away and died overtime and I've done nothing to prevent it.
As much as I love some of the people i used to talk with it's kind of frustrating to send them messages and receive nothing in return so I've stopped bothering. Most didn't really notice, the one rare example that wakes up once in a while (less and less often) just causes me weird emotional instability because I don't know how to behave and feel aggravated. So like, whatever. No reason to force myself on people who don't care for it. Less awkward for erryone involved. There's a couple of people who sometimes call me to do stuff like games and such.
That's actually a pretty decent experience. It's not very fulfilling or personal, but it does alleviate boredom and i really enjoy listening to human voices. Nice human voices make me happy. there's also one specific case of my human interaction that should also be noted in a separate entry i guess. It's... well, a weird one. A bit of a mess. Can never get around sorting my thoughts about it

My interest towards my various old hobbies has been progressively decreasing over years, and this year wasn't exception. I feel like i've fried my dopamine receptors in my brain because because it's really hard to feel excited towards anything. I've overdosed on happiness and fun maybe.
I'm trying to recapture those old feelings of excitement, hype, emotional arousal but none of them last. Doesn't really help that my attention span is close to that of a butterfly. It's getting hard to focus on things.
Also, I really need some painkillers. My neck (and spine) has gotten all sorts off fucked and in the last half a year it's become progressively worse. Can't really spend a day without pains that turn into headaches. Hell, can't wake up without this shit. This is beyond annoying but you gotta pay for your lifestyle choices :\

In general I feel very old, ancient even. Dusty and rusty and screeching.
Very old and very tired of living.



Five more years.

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Tantrum

God, my temper is absolutely terrible.
I'm getting angry at the people just asking how am i doing and if there's anything new in my life. It's quite obviously not a good thing to do.

On the other hand, what the fuck is the point of asking this? Like anything ever happens around here or like you really give a fuck. We haven't talked in two months, nothing in said months have changed just like nothing has changed into previous 2 years.
Now fuck off back into oblivion, why do you even bother.

I'm such a terrible person

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Unlucky

В последнее время в доме твориться что-то странное с посудой. В разных условиях падают и бьются все мои любимые кружки и прочая стеклянная дребедень.
Совсем недавно мимо головы с серванта упала тяжеленная хрустальная ваза.
Вчера у моей любимой (использовал уже лет 15+) кружки для воды лопнуло дно и я чуть не облился кипятком.
Ещё немного и я поверю в гремлинов.

Бугурт.

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Tick tock tick tock, the sound of a clock the sound of a clock

One of the things that mutated heavily through the last few years of reclusion is my perception of time. Since i don't really do anything significant, don't have any sort of "normal" life, barely ever communicate with people and nothing ever happens around here (I'm repeating myself with this stuff I guess, but I might as well give a context), I've lost any sort of anchor with normal time. It passes at a completely different rate around here.
When every day is the same and sometimes one day is actually as long as two because I haven't been sleeping, you stop caring about days.
When every week is the same and events of any significance are multiple weeks away from each other, you stop caring about weeks.
Months still go by in the blink of an eye. Change of seasons is the only thing that makes me care about them. And even that has a limited extent because it's cold and rainy for 60% of the year.
Years have been the only solid measurement of time lately. And most of the stuff that happened is at least 2-3 years away from a current point.
I wonder if given long enough they'll turn into a blur too.

There. Wanted to write down my general perception of time. Maybe it's the lifestyle, maybe it's just me getting old, whatever.

some other junk

Title for this post was taken from this VN:




It's pretty good and I rather enjoy its soundtrack.

Yes, I used to read visual novels.


My head hurts like a motherfucker today. So do a bunch of other bodyparts. Argh
This post was pretty hard to write down

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Love

Yes, love.
I'm experiencing a very strange feeling of happiness, affection and warmth right now.
Except there's no direct target, no object. It's not actually directed at anything or anyone. There's nobody to tell how great they are.
Still love though. Some humans are great and precious

This might just be lack of sleep giving me emotional highs but there's a wonderful orange dawn right behind my window and for once I'm feeling great.

Yey.

I'll regret this post tomorrow when my mind clears and I'll feel horribly awkward about it.

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Just another day without sun

Well, maybe not. I happen to be shut-in, but for the last few weeks i had to go out every few days to do things that aren't "buying food really fast with minimum communication or interaction with people".
I realize that for most people going outside is a part of daily activity, but to me any sort of prolonged exposure is frustrating as hell.
Worst thing about going outside is not people (not that I feel comfortable around humans, but i can manage), not wide open spaces, noises or anything else, but the fact that I end up alone being all alone with my thoughts.
Under normal conditions I can usually deal with the clusterfuck of thoughts in my head (or just distract myself with easily accessible books/movies/music), but outside my mind starts to eat itself pretty fast. Outside brings out worst kind of thoughts and requires a lot of pressure to keep myself from falling apart.
2-3 hours of the outer world drain me of energy for the rest of the day.

other stuffs

But right now It's deep night (early morning as i'm finishing this post), I'm drinking hot tea, preparing to watch a movie and feeling just fine. Life isn't all that bad to whine about it, really.
I've been watching a bunch of stuff lately, mostly asian stuff. China and Korea (and to a lesser extent - Japan) have that very delicious sort of hopelessness and fatalism in a lot of their movies that can rarely be found anywhere else. Sometimes they go a bit overboard with it though. It's sort of absurd to watch the entire cast of characters die in the final scene and the only survivor to go on a death row. I appreciate that you guys don't obsess about happy endings, but there is absolutely no reason to kill every single minor character just to make a statement. That's just cheap and exploitative.

Also, out of all the junk that I watched, I really enjoyed danish The Keeper of Lost Causes. It's maybe a bit cliche and traditional as far as detective stories go, but i still enjoyed it a lot. Sometimes simply being well made is enough to carry an otherwise standard concepts.
It sort of reminded me a lot about Fincher's version of Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, both with plot and cinematography, except i actually liked the characters this time (i can't think of a single non-terrible person in Fincher's movie).



Writing things only in english is easier from a personal standpoint. I'm sort of worried about quality of my english though
I didn't even realize that 6 days have passed since last entry. Time flies, eh.

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Random thoughts.

I suppose I'm sort of pretentious. I like to sound fancy (given my personal definition of fanciness that's probably not in tune with reality)
Self-important. Egocentric. Whatever. I know I make a big fat deal deal about pointless things and minor happenings.
Well. It's just so happens that the time around here moves at a snail's pace and any minor thing is a big deal.


Demotivation has been reaching brand new levels. Can't even bother talking to people I really like nowdays. Just look at them and give up after a bit. They'll write to me if they need me at sooner or later. I've got my poisons to waste my time while I wait.
There's a fault in that logic though. Some (well, just one person, really) are just too busy and we don't really have that many intersecting vectors of communication. So i have to rely on them (one person) remembering about me, because there's fuck all I can think about when it comes to starting a conversation and most of the time it just gets ignored anyways. And therein lies the problem: said person used to talk to me every two weeks. Reliable. Like a clockwork. But it's been 3 weeks and naffing, nada, nix. I guess we are drifting apart slowly, like it happened with other people before. This is sort of frustrating. Please do remember about me soon! I'll be happy.
Sometimes I'll use this diary to leave messages to people who won't read them.

a bit more junk

And on a bit of a side note, I've been listening to Haendel lately. I'm not exactly a big fan of classical music (with a few exceptions). Not quite sure why, but very often it feels "boring". Call me a plebeian if you want.
Well, either way, I can't help but enjoy Water music

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Uneventful life

I happen to be a shut-in. As in, I spend most of my time within confines of my own room. I don't go out, I have no reason to go out, I don't have any friends in a real world. There's a bunch of reasons for that, but things just turned out that way.
Nowdays I find communicating people in real world and, hell, just being outside rather stressful and, in many ways, completely foreign process.
Overall uneventfulness of such life style makes it sort of hard to update this diary without devolving into completely tripe posts. (not that they weren't already tripe, but more tripe is a no no.)
I could write more about the things i watch/read/listen to but I sort of don't want to turn it into a diary just about that.
I guess I'll take this whole thing slow and at my own pace.

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Invoking a dream

I rarely dream about anything, or at least rarely remember if i had any dreams.
These last few days however I've spent living on an unnatural cycle of staying awake for 30+ hours and then sleeping for another 15+. I enjoy mild sleep deprivation for a number a things, but primary because oblivion at the end of the day becomes so much more sweet.
Dreams i get during that sort of sleep cycle are vivid, intense and hard to wake up from. And I just sleep and sleep and sleep. Even nightmares become delicious in their own right.

But even before the oblivion there are some fairly enjoyable moments. At the end of the day, when consciousness fades, mind slowly starts to drift away and I lose focus, music becomes nearly physical. It resonates through me and I can really feel it. It's a great state to listen to things.
So have some music, diary:







I listen to a lot of stuff - different styles, genres, bands. But nothing really hits me as hard as Candle nine. There's just something about their music. Something beautiful and depressing. Something cold, calming and sad that hits all the right strings.

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Why do I need a blog?

For the most part it's because my mind is an echo chamber. I get trapped in myself very easily. I don't externalize my thoughts very often, so they tend to be stuck in my head for days and days, paralyzing me. A simple example would be an even from 3 days ago - i embarrassed myself quite strongly and it sapped motivation and energy to do anything for quite a while. I just couldn't focus my mind on other things. Things like that happen way too often and in way too many cases (sometimes in positive, more often in negative), and I don't really have anyone I can reliably talk with about my life. So I'll just post things here because I know for sure that I can trust internet to not give much fucks and chew through it.

Алсо, заранее извиняюсь за злоупотребление английским. Так уж получилось, что в силу моего специфического образа жизни, я говорю и думаю на английском. And yes, I do know my english is not amazing.

В дальнешем мои посты могут представлять из себя мутированую смесь из двух языков.

Also there's a copy of this blog on a different resource. Just because. I'm sort of hoping to make a few new contacts out of it, maybe.

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Hello, world.

I am the noise you hear in the wires and this is my blog.